A Long December..

I haven’t written in a while. And for me, it’s kind of like exercise – once you take a little time off, it gets harder and harder to start it up again. But instead of feeling guilty or bad or whatever that I haven’t written, I should just do it. I know, I know…

I’m happy to report that the solstice has just passed (the true reason for the season, in my book) and that means that the universe is adding precious minutes of light each day. Thanks universe! I haven’t ridden my bike in way too long – since early November – and right now it’s parked out in the back shed, and for this I try not to feel guilty.. but that’s the way that one goes.

My household has been crazy. Both of my readers (haha) know that my dad fell in early November and broke his leg – he fractured the top of his femur where the bone goes into the hip socket. He had to have surgery and was in a rehab hospital for three weeks. He’s home now, and for this we are glad – he has very limited mobility and I have accepted that helping to take care of him has become my full time job. I resisted this for a while but now it just is the way it is. I wish on more than one level that it wasn’t.. but wishes don’t go to the pharmacy or dole out medication. Wishes don't go to the grocery store or make lunch. Nor do they hold hands. My father told me that he was sorry that I had to do this for him, but I told him not to be sorry because there is no one else in the world that I would rather help in this fashion. And that happens to be the truth.

Today my best friend from high school, Malinda, came to visit. She brought her two beautiful girls and we hung out for a few hours. It was great. I miss her so much. She and John made beautiful babies.

When they were getting ready to leave, I brought Gwen – the newborn – in to my father so he could say good bye. I looked at her perfect little baby feet and toes and looked up at my dad and thought to myself for a moment about what people call the circle of life. I know, it might be corny to read about.. even the fact that I’m committing these words to the page in this manner.. but I felt it. And at the same moment I felt what I can only describe as a crush. No, not the kind of crush that you get on someone you like, when you can’t talk to that certain someone let alone make eye contact - but rather as a crush of life.. the feeling is like experiencing great sorrow and joy and fear and love simultaneously. Even now, hours later, makes my head throb and my heart ache.

I’ve been freelancing for the past few months, which is neat. I’m writing for a publisher that prints a handful of monthly community news papers. Not ironically, it was my father and his illness that precipitated such events. As you might recall we went on a blimp ride in September and that’s how I met my editor. I was thrilled that my father and I shared the front page of that issue – his picture and the story about the blimp ride, and my first professional byline in NJ, just to the right of him. This is special to us. I’ve been working hard to do what I need to do around the house and write a few stories each month. It hasn’t been easy, but I’m trying.

At the end of every year since the Counting Crows produced Recovering the Satellites, I have placed special significance to the song "A Long December" - and believe me, it will be a Facebook status update at some point over these next waning days of 2009, because that’s how I do. This year, I attach the same meaning to it. All in all, 2009 wasn’t terrible for me. Yes, it had a few, short terrible moments like every year does.. but it was filled with good stuff as well. Moving back was hard but necessary. Leaving my friends and the life I built in Albany could only be made better by returning home and rekindling some old friendships that were placed on a shelf for a very long time as well as meeting some new people who I have already come to cherish. This trade off was capped by honoring my responsibility to my family because in return, I’ve learned so much more about my father and also myself.

Sure, I lost the dream job in Philly. That ranks up there in the top three shitty moments of 2009. I was bitter and self-deprecating about that for a while, but I’ve decided to look a little deeper beneath the surface. It was an incredible experience and opportunity, but it just wasn’t meant to be. I am very proud of the fact that the day I lost the job, I still pitched a story I was working on for their cover and they took it. This simple fact reminds me of my resilience, determination and drive.

In all of its’ gloom, I’ve realized that I am actually lucky to have had this opportunity to take care of my dad because so few people get to spend so much time with a parent who has a terminal illness. The value of the comfort I have been able to provide to both my father and my mother in this time cannot ever be matched by business cards, bylines or newspaper clippings. Period. I’ve embraced this path on which the universe has me set.

2010 is filled with uncertainty, perhaps amplified by events which took place in 2009, but there are a few things that I know.. I’ve learned a lot about myself this year. I’ve learned a lot about my strength and compassion. I’ve learned a lot about my own corporeal body and what I can push it to accomplish. I’ve learned about friendships which endure tests of time and distance. I’ve learned about life and death and what it means to truly love – both others and myself.

Over the course of Earth’s next solar orbit, I have some goals I would like to accomplish. I will not list them all here because I do not believe in resolutions but they include things like renewing travel plans with my nearest and dearest, starting (and hopefully finishing) my first book, completing a century ride on the bike (and finishing as strong as I start), and beginning a cancer fundraising campaign. Maybe I’ll even find love in there somewhere. It could happen.

My wish for you - both of you who might find time to read this - is that you give yourself the gift of time to reflect on the world around you, understand the bonds of commonality that should serve to bring us together instead of pull us apart, and realize the potential of what you have in your heart. Because life and death are beautiful - even if the former lacks the consistency of the latter.

This year may be drawing to an end, but the great cosmic cycle is pushing forward and once again adding minutes of precious daylight, tick by tick.

Thank you for reading and best wishes for a great next decade!